im so tired of being alone

idk what's going on but i think everything's gotten worse somehow - it seems everywhere i go and everything i do is a constant reminder of the situation im in and it kind of makes me feel awful. i can't tell what it is or how to properly word it but im so tired of doing everything for myself, the distractions and hobbies aren't affective anymore. i can't tell if it's always like this but this is the first time where ive felt absolutely worthless and miserable for multiple days in a row and even worse, suicide. im not gonna do it, of course, but it lingers in my head. im so tired of being like this, im so tired of trying so hard to find self-fulfillment when it goes down the drain immediately after. i know i mean a lot to people but i can't seem to register that and it starts eating at me. it feels like no matter how much i improve and how much i try that my loneliness is going to be present. i can have everything i could ever want but that cloud is going to be looming over no matter what i do. that dude from high school is the only person who made me feel validated and useful but not a day goes by where i don't think about that feeling and how happy i felt about everything. it's so dreadful not having anyone understand or connect with you in anyway and i just can't do anything about it but sit in bed and be on the verge of tears over it. i will never find anyone. period. im so fed up and tired, i just want these emotions to end. i wish i was normal.

late night

its currently 2:30 am as of writing this, man i gotta start writing these posts at a better time. i was looking through a lot of the early posts on the old blog and it reminded me a lot of how life was a few years ago and how much i loved to write these blog posts. insane to me i kept up the grammar for that long instead of typing whatever comes straight from the dome like i do nowadays. i mean i always did that but that looks much better and maybe a little presentable. i used to write all those posts on my phone, i don't know how i did that since i always type long-form stuff on my laptop REGARDLESS of what it is. i hate typing on my phone lmao. out of the 59 posts on their, 44 of them were written on my phone (fun fact: the laptop im typing this on now actually is the same one i used on that blog - feels full circle) but reading the blog made me realize why i posted to begin with - to get away from the negative stuff in my life, have the opportunity to escape and talk about the things i love a lot, i forgot about that. i forgot that i can just post and talk about the things i like to a very annoying extent and be happy about it. that's what happiness is, being your true self. i am not this cool mysterious dude who makes cool art on the internet because of julienet - i am a complete dweeb and loser who loves talking about beastie boys, le sserafim, japanese media and i will and want to take pride in that!! that's what i consider cool!! talking about stuff that's dope!! so having an opportunity to do that is so cool and something i don't think about a lot cause "durrr i don't like something anymore so im gonna have it going on in my head for weeks." that's lame!!!! i have so many cool things to talk about but i don't because im sooo sad and negative about something so inessential. i remember starting julienet with the impression of "oh ill make it all mysterious and cool because the art i do is minimalist" and thats just, so lame to me. i want my art to be expressive of what i am and what i like and i think im doing good at that. for the 1 year anniversary of julienet i thought it would be cool to release all the previous edits ive made over the past couple of years as they show me and who i am as a person and just drop the "posts art and say nothing" shtick ive been doing. its really lame. i also used to do that on my personal Instagram too - post every few months and then say nothing but thats so lame. do you know how cool it is to post whatever you want? i wish i felt something like this ages ago, there's a lot of shorter posts here because i am NOW just warming up to the idea of posting short thoughts too as opposed to something long-form. i do somewhat miss the serious tone i was doing with the og blog when writing about stuff, but when its off the cuff stream of conscious writing, i don't think it matters. i did use proper capitalization for the LE SSERAFIM review and thats how i like it. whatever grammar for this stuff but proper for little reviews and whatnot. i should probably delete the articles page on the julienet site cause there's like one article and i can just put that on the directory page, but its whatever. this and tumblr are some of my favorite sites ever because i can literally just post whatever im geeking out about and there's BOUND to be someone geeking out over the same thing. its really cool to see people still use these websites - keeping the best and most pure forms of social media alive and it makes me really happy. having this medium is really nice. 

it's currently 8 in the morning as of typing this - i fell asleep writing this and teetered off near the end lol. i have nothing more to say but i hope everyone has a great day! thank you for reading me ramble, means a lot.

LE SSERAFIM - Hot (Album Review)

The new LE SSERAFIM mini album might be one of their best. I've been listening to it a lot since it came out yesterday, and it's grows on me every single listen. In comparison to their previous efforts in the trilogy (EASY, CRAZY, HOT), this one knocks the previous releases right out of the park. One of the standouts to me in particular is its' production, the shift from the hype and "crazy" production of Crazy to this slower and melodic sound really works well for them and shows their ability to take on different sounds and ideas whilst maintaining what I personally think is their own vibe. The title-track Hot feels incredibly stripped from what the past releases were, mostly working with bass and drums for the verses and very few keys on the chorus, but it works INCREDIBLY well for the song, it's incredibly catchy and the chorus highlights a trend going forward with this mini album in particular, amazing choruses. The only downside is the length, which leaves much more to be desired. The next song though, Come Over, is nothing short but amazing. The 60s-inspired production with their vocals blends super well together and highlights their vocal abilities. The chorus is an extreme ear-worm too, as its' melody hasn't seemed to escape me and I hope it never does, this one is easily the best song on the mini, (Side note: the MusicCore performance has amazing styling; it fits the concept of the song super well and they all look amazing.). Ash has been considered by fans within the last 24 hours as their best b-side since Antifragile's Impurities, but I don't see it. The production is really solid and it's never boring, but it doesn't top Impurities in my personal opinion. I really enjoy the slow-tempo and production a bunch, it really reminds me of the sound of the Fromis_9 album Unlock My World, a sound I have a strong interest in. I have a strong admiration for the sounds on So Cynical (Badum) and it's probably their best vocal performance on the album, their little cadences throughout the track and the "bop-bop-bop-bop-ruh" during the chorus is super sick. It's overall the most pop-sounding song on the entire project but it is SO good. It reminds me a lot of 2010's pop music, which is a positive. This one might be one of their best b-sides and I can see myself putting it in a Top 10 best LE SSERAFIM songs list. 

LE SSERAFIM knocks it out of the park with this release, possibly eclipsing their best effort, Antifragile. With a solid tracklist that's incredibly varied in sound but always consistently good, it really solidifies it's place in their discography from the get-go and validates my personal opinion of them being my favorite K-Pop group. This one is a strong 10/10, it doesn't waste time and identifies itself in the best way possible as a standout in the LE SSERAFIM catalogue. 

Listen here (YouTube)