im so tired of being alone

idk what's going on but i think everything's gotten worse somehow - it seems everywhere i go and everything i do is a constant reminder of the situation im in and it kind of makes me feel awful. i can't tell what it is or how to properly word it but im so tired of doing everything for myself, the distractions and hobbies aren't affective anymore. i can't tell if it's always like this but this is the first time where ive felt absolutely worthless and miserable for multiple days in a row and even worse, suicide. im not gonna do it, of course, but it lingers in my head. im so tired of being like this, im so tired of trying so hard to find self-fulfillment when it goes down the drain immediately after. i know i mean a lot to people but i can't seem to register that and it starts eating at me. it feels like no matter how much i improve and how much i try that my loneliness is going to be present. i can have everything i could ever want but that cloud is going to be looming over no matter what i do. that dude from high school is the only person who made me feel validated and useful but not a day goes by where i don't think about that feeling and how happy i felt about everything. it's so dreadful not having anyone understand or connect with you in anyway and i just can't do anything about it but sit in bed and be on the verge of tears over it. i will never find anyone. period. im so fed up and tired, i just want these emotions to end. i wish i was normal.